Should a depressed being be blamed for being depressed?
(since we control our own thoughts and emotions)

Yesterday, I promised myself to change, and so I will. I did keep to it by not running away even though I only slept 2 hours and had to rush from one place to another, not thinking too much under certain circumstances, catching myself when I'm being controlled by emotions and therefore stopping it, and most importantly I was able to free myself of the unrealistic aim killing me. One day isn't enough to change, I will work towards it.


Not enough to stop the tears from flowing again. Maybe hearing too much from others who tell me crying is pointless if I don't do anything about it made me guilty, I'll be so full of guilt everytime the hot tears roll down my cheeks. I can't stop little droplets from squeezing out of my eyes in the middle of lessons, lectures, bus rides, and everywhere I go.

Intense emotions fill me for brief moments upon hearing some things, as though a trigger has been pulled in my heart. For brief moments my vision will be blurred but no matter how hard I try to hold the tears back, as soon as I wipe them away in fear of others looking at me, fresh ones will start welling up again. But I do manage to hold them back eventually, for the fear of being discovered by those who do not understand is even greater.

I remember a taxi driver staring helplessly at me when they couldn't stop streaming down. That was the day she told me I don't have the right to cry. She probably didn't know a tenth of what I was going through then. I hate it when people think I don't work because I'm lazy. I always have books in front of me yet my heart and soul is somewhere else, in a state of depression, and probably more stressed than anybody can imagine. I detest it when people think I don't care.

I know my emotions should not be an excuse for my inaction. That's why I was wrong and I want to change. This is the worst feeling ever, the knowing whatever you've done was wrong, and even worse when what is to be blamed is your emotions.

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What I detest the most, is the fact that I always listen to what they say and end up blaming myself for what they criticize me for, even though I shouldn't let them affect me so deeply. I know very well it is in their perspective, but they might be right. They might be wrong, but it's always the right thing to blame yourself first.

The greatest thing killing me now is guilt from whatever I do, and taking the blame for everything. Even interpreting someone's tone and letting it affect you is your own fault, so what's there not to blame yourself for?

That is why I don't need anybody to tell me what's wrong with me. I know every single thing that is wrong with me, including those you don't even know of. You wouldn't want to be me, because the known flaws are much more than the strengths. Life is terrible like that.

It occurred to me that such expressions of my feelings does not justify my act of keeping many things to myself.

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It's my fault for letting emotions control me, and using my brain to make sense of nothing. But do my emotions really have to take the blame? Or is there something else that I haven't seen or understood?

Please give me an answer to the title of this entry.